What the hell is that smell?

If I live to be 110 years old, I will never understand why some things are so difficult to master:

Not blocking the sidewalk if there are more than two people in your party;

Chewing food with one’s mouth closed whilst in public;

Bathing regularly to prevent the malodorous scent known the world over as B.O.

And most importantly…

DON’T SAY YOU DID SOMETHING YOU CLEARLY DIDN’T DO!

I swear, people do the last one solely as a way to piss me off. Sometimes, you truly believe that you did something. For instance, I will swear up and down that I won 8 gold medals for my swimming performance at the 2008 Summer Olympics in Beijing. I don’t really recall everything I did that summer, but I’m pretty sure that I did do.

Oh wait, that wasn’t me…

I know what you didn't do last summer!

If you lie and say you saw Employee of the Month five times and loved it, but truth is you’ve never heard of it… I don’t care. No one cares, but mostly, I don’t care. I won’t waste my time nor my brain cells caring.

Now if you were asked if you did a specific task, say maybe at work, and you sing from the rooftops that it was you who not only completed a task, but checked and double-checked said task: please make sure you did it.

Because I am going to check that shit!

I may not be as stringent as Radio Shack or my beloved Notre Dame, but I have a pretty good nose.

Do you smell that?

No its not the scent of your youth, failure, or desperation…

That would be bullshit.

Yes I know desperation is one hell of  a strong scent itself, and most bachelors and bachelorettes in their mid-forties reek of it. Kinda like Designer Imposter Fragrances, but not nearly as costly or hazardous to the environment.

So what did we learn today kids from my rant?

1.) Who do Cheap Fragrances hurt? Everyone

2.) You can look up almost anything these days, and its not a good idea to lie.

You don’t have to take my word for it… Details Magazine wrote an entire article about this -ish!

So behave yourselves mis amigos, I can’t afford to be bailing all of you out of prison. Besides, if you are telling the right kind of lies, you might end up in one of those fancy prisons where the inmates play golf or badminton. Who wouldn’t want to play badminton.

At least you won’t get B.O.

Once a Gleek, always a Gleek!

So Glee is all new tonight! And next week is the Brittnay vs. Britney. Um, can we say excited?

And no, I’m not talking excited like your 13 year-old boyfriend who had never seen a pancake chest before.

I’m talking: full on six year old girl getting a freaking PONY EXCITED! (I may have just squealed a little in delight.)

But wait, you’ve never seen an episode of Glee and you are probably saying: Modelo, what the hell is so exciting about this show about singing dweebs?

I’ll tell you in two words:

SUE SYLVESTER!

Bask in my glory, you freak show babies!

and a bunch of other stuff, but mostly Sue. Take a look or she’ll punch you in the taco!

Seriously, watch the entire video. I know it’s 3 minutes, but honestly, what else are you going to do? Hmmm… you’re reading this drivel, so you must really not have much to do with yourself.

If you, still didn’t watch the entire video, I going to puncture your tires. Then the soul of your childhood puppy.

OMG, STOP READING AND FINISH WATCHING THE DAMN VIDEO!

Good, now go watch Glee.

Vacations are fabulous

Until you go to work the next morning.

My friends, I hope you are well. Unlike most souls who stay home or go to the beach when they go on vacation, El Modelo Negro does it right! I just got back from a jet-setting week in Chicago, New York & DC. This trip was not for the faint of heart, nor for those who can’t handle their liquor.

I may still be a little delirous…from jet lag, but let me fill you in on the highlights:

Chicago still loves me:

I'm on top of the world, well at least Millennium Park.

Notre Dame, There is still NO PLACE LIKE IT!

I shall lift thee from thy reflecting pool!

New York still is a dream-maker!

Quelqu'un me joindra!

Oh, and were you presented a Congressional Certificate on your vacation?

Who goes on vacation and gets an honor? Not you!

And I know many of you follow me on the twitter, and probably asked me what the hell #ETWF10 meant. If you were living under a rock, or don’t pay close enough attention, please watch this video:

Soon my Partner in Crime, Tawn and I, will chronicle all of the previous week’s stories into some fun blogs. Plus, don’t think there isn’t a video to follow up to the promo vid. That should be complete very soon! But definitely check out our fan page for more post throughout the week.

Yes… we have a fanpage, SUCKAS!

And definitely check out my homie Tawn’s page: Chicken and Ketchup (She posts a hell of a lot more than me!)

Check you on the flipside, I’ve got a ton of pictures to upload, you know,  just to brag how fab I am!

No Kesha I will not spell your name with a $ symbol.

Can someone explain Kesha to me?

I don’t get it. Maybe I am not supposed to get it because I am “an adult.” PREPOSTEROUS!

Sure, she is minimally talented and her tunes are catchy, but that’s the point of her job. She is supposed to entertain. But she is not crazy enough to pull of this schtick, nor is she talented enough to make us care. If anything, she is like that weird kid in school who no one really paid attention to outside of her mildly amusing pranks.

She reminds me of a court jester.

Of a small court, maybe like Liechtenstein or Monaco.

And really, who the hell does she think she is telling people that they are pronouncing AND spelling her name wrong. Its a made up name. It has a $ symbol… instead of an s. Is that supposed to make me think the checks are rolling in for her. Because seriously, M.C. Hammer couldn’t catch a break and Michael Jackson couldn’t pay his bills (alledgedly)

And Cher, Madonna & Britney had to dance/strip/sing/polarize to become single-moniker superstars,

but this chick thinks she’s something special because she buys her clothes at Goodwill?

Gag me with a spoon.

But this song, I’m not going to lie, is kinda catchy. Even if she swears that glitter is hardcore.

Because the only thing hardcore about glitter is when it gets stuck on EVERYTHING! And in your eye. Have you ever had glitter in your cornea? It. Ain’t. Fun.

Not even the eye patch.

So if anyone can answer the riddle of what this woman’s deal is, I will bake you a cookie.

And no, Modelo does not bake, so it will be store bought. But it will be the best damn store bought cookie you have ever had. Possibly a red velvet cookie. Wouldn’t that be awesome. Someone needs to patent that… like yesterday!

If you thought MY blogs were horrid…

Amigos,

As many of  you may or may not be aware, I, El Modelo Negro, am not the biggest fan of Beyonce. Not that she cares, nor that I care that she cares, but I feel you should know. It’s not that I don’t think she is talented, nor that I think she is not attractive, but I feel that she is a bit… much. Have you ever really watched one of her videos? Or perhaps, have you listened to any of her songs? There is a lot going on. For example:

There is a lot vocal… posturing. Some sell sex in a bottle, some sell their talent, some sell… well we aren’t quite sure what they sell. But with Beyonce, I’m not sure she is offering us a true version of her. That’s why I’m not fond of her. Not that there is anything wrong with that.

But there is oh so much wrong with this:  (NSFW!)

Nothing says crude quite like a white man impersonating a woman… in blackface.

And don’t write me hate mail. I get it, it’s offensive, but its HILARIOUS!

Rain Rain Go Away, is that Twilight?

So I may or may not have been sucked into the twilight saga. I’m leaning towards not being sucked in, but the lack of internet and the pitter patter of rain falling down for the next 20 hours is not helping the situation.

Naturally, I have my purveyor of teenage fluff, my 16 year old sister at my side as she explains to me the nuance of this… cinematic misfire. One day, she will thank me for forcing her to narrate a movie from opening credits to the climax. Because every parent only wishes they had that kind of practice, and she shall have it in the form of me.

On another note, Glee ended this evening. And because I lack tear ducts, (I had them removed, wasn’t using them) I found this season finale a bit too much to swallow because I really wanted to shed a tear or two. And then I wanted to cry because I won’t have Glee nor College Football (specifically Notre Dame Football) for at least another 87 days, 15 hours, 10 minutes and 4 secs, 3 secs, 2 secs… you get the idea.

But there is always Youtube to keep me entertained. The site even managed to find a way to satisfy my thirst for NCAA competition, Glee Clubs, and kids with pasty skin:

Hopefully this pinche rain goes away and I can really show you people what a rant looks like!

Besos,

Modelo

They Grow up so fast!

Psst, I have a secret. I am turning into a responsible adult.

I know. I’m scaring myself.

It’s ok thought because I am taking baby steps:

I was mildly sober at a good friend’s wedding

Next wedding... it's ON!

I worried that the flower girls would set the venue on fire… even though my table still managed to light a paper towel on fire and successfully grow said fire by dousing it with vodka & sprite.

Maybe you remember that I went on a wine tour.

So I might drink a tad too much. But I have avoided my parents hosting living room intervention.And if I make it to 30 without that delightful family moment, I shall deem my 20s a success. Yeah, I’m an adult. Get use to it. And the next step in adulthood…

Being responsible for another life.

No, not the adorable little girl. She’s my sister and I fully expect that one day, she will take care of my old ass. I am referring to the kitty. That’s my little Marshmallow. And don’t be fooled, she is 3 pounds of pure terror! She will attack you as soon as look at you, and swears that she is part tiger. I taught her everything she knows!

But my new role as Feline Father has led me to believe that I will make a pretty terrible dad. Why? Allow me to enumerate:

1.) Marshmallow sleeps by day and plays by night… the exact opposite of her Papa. Whereas a real parent would attempt to synchronize their child’s sleeping habits with that of their own, I just let Marshmallow run wild by night and pray that she doesn’t open the door and wreck havoc on the neighbors.

2.) I got her addicted to cat nip within the first 3 weeks of bringing her home. I mean obviously, that can’t be a healthy addiction.

3.) I’m teaching her to be the white Naomi Campbell. If it weren’t for the lack of opposable thumbs, She would know how to throw a blackberry clear across the room.

But you know what, if there is one thing I will never allow her to do because I am not that incompetent: Allow her to work for BP.

Again, if I don’t watch out for the kids, who will?

You are my sunshine!

And don’t write me hate mail that I ended two blogs in a row with the same line. Seriously, I am having a difficult time watching out for all of these damn kids.

EMN!